Eleven years ago today I pulled out of our driveway and went to work, just like any other day. Jessie was sleeping peacefully in her own bed. Little did I know when I drove away that I’d be coming home sooner than expected, that life would never be the same again, and today would be the day I’d get the phone call every parent fears.

Early on, beginning the next morning at the bottom of our driveway with an unusual little monarch butterfly experience, Jess made it clear, that she ‘sees’ us. Now, eleven years later, I go on faith, which is easy, because Jessie left no doubt. Mom and I love and miss her so much, but I am at peace with this journey the three of us are on together.

I was at Racine Correctional a few days ago for the prison work L>h does now. It’s the latest of so many good things that came from Jessie’s murder. I got down on one knee in the prison bathroom before class, like I always do, to talk and listen to God. Usually, I talk to Jess a little then too. But, I forgot to remember her. I don’t think she ever forgets to remember me, especially when I’m doing “Jessie’s work”. I know she is in a place and state now where she doesn’t take that personally… just selflessly giving and being a light of continuous love and support.

I say it’s “Jessie’s work”. I’m sure many think I’m just a dad who needs to believe, who needs to do something, who needs to find some meaning and purpose in a mean and meaningless world. They’re right, for sure, I do need purpose and meaning, we all do, but I know it’s more than that. It’s your work, and you’re in it, and it’s for everyone, and it is everyone’s work, we’re all supposed to be in it, we’re all supposed to be expanding our capacities for Love and Forgiveness.

Some people think I should get real, quit dreaming, produce measurable results, check the data, be more grounded in reality. Important points for sure. Sometimes it seems like we haven’t actually gotten anywhere since your death, haven’t really made any real progress to end violence. In my opinion, that’s a false perception, and it misses an underlying deeper reality in which everyone and everything is united and connected far more than we realize from here, and all of our individual choices, actions, and energies ripple through the collective whole like waves of wind through a wheat field. Who can say the full effects of our work and our intentions, now and in the future?

Maybe I’ve imagined a ‘story’ about Jess’ death and her project to make some sense out of a senseless horrible crime. Or, maybe she really did come here with a purpose, to give up her own life so that the eighty guys in our Forgiveness Classes could get theirs back and survivors of physical and sexual violence could find a pathway to healing. No one on this side can really know. But Jess knows which story I’m going with :)

All along the way there have been obstacles. Some were small, some were big, and more will come. The current one is a bit brutal on me right now. But, in my opinion, none of these obstacles has the power to hold back the tide of Love ultimately coming into our world.

Anyway, I’ll pull out of the driveway again today, just like that day eleven years ago, to go to a meeting, a radio show, and wherever else LOVE>hate takes me. But, now I pull out of the driveway aware that life could turn on a dime today, and none of us can predict or control it. Out of nowhere all hell could break loose. Our former president could get shot, in yet another explosive expression of the sickness, anger, and hopeless cynicism permeating our divided culture today. When will we learn?

But, whatever breaks out, me, you, and everyone could give Grace and Loving Kindness to it, if we remember to and choose to. I’ve failed at that a few times lately, but I am determined to grow and I am getting better and stronger at it, too. Divine Reversal: growing in grace through the very things meant to harm us.

Keep whispering to us Jess, keep nudging us. As always, until we reunite, I’ll be loving her with all my heart.