Building boundaries is like building a castle for your mind. Imagine one of those pillow and blanket forts that kids make, but inside are all of the amazing qualities you hold. This creation is what will protect you from harmful people and things that are not worth your energy. Stressing the importance of your mental limits is vital for relationship building and self trust. It is the act of saying yes and no to specific situations and recognizing the emotions that accompany them.

Recognizing these emotions can help:

Lower stress
Raise confidence
Create longer-lasting relationships

So, with those pillows and blankets to protect our mental health, let’s walk through some ways to set healthy boundaries.

8 ways to set healthy boundaries:

1. Trust your GUT

Your internal compass is so important when it comes to assessing your relationships and building boundaries. How do these relationships make you feel? Are you being built up or torn down? Is this a mutual feeling? Are you being granted the space to be honest? If not, listen to that voice telling you this is not okay. Remember that you are not alone. With establishing boundaries, you are able to live your life on your own terms and build trust within yourself. Be open to listening for those internal cues and recognizing that you are meant to feel confident in your relationships.

2. Put yourself first

Helping yourself heal is the priority. Do not feel that you have to help others heal, for you are your own person. Remembering this can protect yourself from being taken advantage of emotionally, physically, and financially. When it comes to establishing boundaries, one can feel very vulnerable and anxious. Thus, it is important to remind yourself that you are in control. This is the time to reclaim your time, energy, and mental well-being while maintaining the relationships that build you up.

3. Be confident in setting limits

Do not feel bad for owning your time. Assess what you actually want to do and not what you think you have to do. Oftentimes we feel the need to go along with others so we can “save face” or portray a different version of ourselves. This is the perfect time to start setting limits for yourself. If you are feeling forced to do something you don’t want to, or even manipulated into feeling bad when standing your ground, just remember that you are in control of you. You do not owe your partner, friends, etc. more of your energy that you are not willing to give.

4. Clearly communicate your needs and wants

As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” Be kind to yourself and others, and clearly communicate how you need to take a step back. Not only will this help the receiver understand your feelings and actions correlate, but it will also help you practice the art of being clear and headstrong in your actions. Demonstrate respect for yourself and verbalize that you expect it back, whether this is acceptance of your boundaries or being open to receive this communication. Remember that communication is healthy, and you have the right to address anything that does not feel right for you.

5. Right place, right time

Scheduling these tough conversations is crucial to getting the most out of them. This allows both parties to gather their thoughts and be in an environment where one can talk and the other can listen. While these roles are hard to establish, it is a practice that can explicitly prepare each person for emotional labor and a productive discussion. Try to schedule it for an appropriate time: not during a meal, too early or too late, or at an outing. Be patient and respectful of both you and the other person’s time, and find a comfortable space that can allow both parties to express honest feelings.

6. Use “I” statements

One of the easiest tools when communicating one’s feelings is using “I” statements. No one can negate how you feel. For example, let’s say your partner is constantly making you feel small. First, recognize how you feel in this situation and try to put it into words. Does it make you feel foolish? Unwelcome? Unimportant? Taking 24 to 48 hours to stop and think about these emotions is okay, too. You do not need to know exactly how you feel right away. Try to reflect during this time and honestly articulate how this has affected you. Second, stray away from “you” statements, because these can make your partner more defensive and less receptive to what you have to say. Putting the inflection on you, such as “I feel deflated when you say these things about me.” Framing the situation like this can put you in a validating position with your emotions and open the conversation to being more honest and productive.

7. Reflect

Journaling can be a powerful tool to help reconnect with oneself, understand your emotions, and put them into words. Below is a list of helpful questions when reflecting on feeling safe with others and confident in your relationships. Also, make sure to check out our blog: 5 tips for journaling trauma to help your healing journey.

What is a good friend to me?
Are they supportive of me and my decisions?
Are they consistent in behaviors?
Are they trustworthy and reliable to their word
Are we able to spend time apart?

8. Know the signs

Being aware of manipulative behaviors in partners, friends, or family will help raise red flags and start the process of creating boundaries. Here are some examples:

Insulting: insulting you to your face, behind your back, or online to intentionally make you feel small
Gaslighting: intentionally making you distrust your views.
Projection: dumping their feelings onto you and making you to blame.
Emotional blackmail: using fear, guilt or doubt to keep you in line; using your trauma against you.
Twisting the story: blaming their victims for their own actions and becoming the victim
Making everything a competition: constantly one-upping you to always be on top

Creating boundaries is an important aspect of maintaining self-trust and establishing healthy relationships. When it comes to protecting your mental health and stability, these 8 tips will be influential in ensuring respect and communication are in place. Whether it comes to recognizing the signs, communicating with a significant other, or enjoying time alone, boundaries will always have your back. Now it is time to reflect and start gathering those pillows and blankets!

Resources that can help:

While we will name a few, there are many resources that can help name more of these damaging behaviors (linked below) and provide help.