Dear friends and allies in ENDing male against female violence,
Today we share with you, with Natalie’s blessing, excerpts from her private Facebook message to me a few weeks back. Following each excerpt is a reflection, from the viewpoint of Natalie, or maybe Jessie, or maybe any victim, or even the dad of one. There is much more to the story, of course, than can be contained in snippets from a Facebook PM.
NATALIE’S PM (in CAPS): “LOVE>hate CAME TO SLINGER HIGH SCHOOL A FEW YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS A JUNIOR. A FEW DAYS AFTER THE PRESENTATION, I CAME FORWARD ABOUT MY SEXUAL ASSAULT FIVE YEARS EARLIER BY MY ‘UNCLE’.”
Try to imagine yourself as Natalie. Try to imagine sitting through the story of Jessie’s rape and murder in a school wide assembly and re-living your own worst nightmare, a nightmare you buried deep inside since you were a pre-teen. Imagine the pain and fear as you remember the attack and wonder if your classmates can tell you’re having a reaction. Imagine the feelings getting triggered. The humiliation. The shame. The terror. The shattered trust of people and life. After all, it was your ‘uncle’. He was bigger and stronger and he forced himself on you. Now, years later, someone comes along and stirs it all up again, then tells you … “it’s not your fault. Find your courage and your voice.” … Should I come out and tell someone now? Will they believe me? It was five years ago; I have no proof. What will happen if I report?
PM: “IN 24 HOURS I HAD TO DECIDE IF I WANTED TO PRESS CHARGES …. I HAD TO TELL MY FAMILY ….”
It was my ‘uncle’, my dad’s best friend. Will dad believe me? How will he react? Will mom believe me? The police? What if they think I’m making it up? What do I say when they ask why I never said anything? Could they ever even understand why I didn’t say anything?
PM: “THE TRIAL WAS SCHEDULED FOR OCTOBER 2016, THEN GOT PUSHED BACK TO MARCH 2017 ….”
Imagine waiting for months, dreading the day you would have to go public with your deepest secret, in front of parents, your attacker who was once your dad’s best friend, and a judge and jury, maybe even a news crew. But at the same time having to wait so long for justice.
PM: …. “I TESTIFIED FOR 5 HOURS STRAIGHT ON DAY ONE ….”
I remember from Jessie’s trial how Joy, a grown woman, mom, and doctor, agonized for months over her coming testimony. She was so nervous on day one. She worried that the defense attorney would find things she didn’t remember perfectly and use them to make her look bad, or even dishonest. She worried that in the white-hot spotlight her nerves would cause her to make a mistake or forget something she really knew. She felt the pressure to speak for her daughter and represent her well. I can’t imagine how much greater Natalie’s anxiety. She was young. She had no evidence, just her word, unlike the mountain of DNA Joy had behind her. She wasn’t speaking for someone else; she was re-living her own attack and speaking for herself. And she was face to face with her attacker, a close family friend no less.
PM: “THE NEXT FEW DAYS MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF MY ‘UNCLE’ TESTIFIED ….”
How would you feel if it was you, listening to your ‘uncles’ friends testify on his behalf, knowing what he did to you when you were just a kid?
PM: “ON THE LAST DAY OF THE TRIAL HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF …. HE WAS UNSUCCESSFUL …. HE GOT BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL HOURS LATER …. “
Now you are not only carrying the original trauma but also the weight of another person’s life.
PM: “FINAL STATEMENTS WERE MADE …. THE JURY WAS SENT TO DELIBERATE …. FINALLY, AT 10:30PM, THEY HAD A VERDICT ….”
We waited in a park by the Milwaukee River for just a few hours for the verdict in Jessie’s case. Seemed like a lifetime. In our case, looking back, the verdict was never in doubt, but I can feel the tension and anxiety like it was just this morning. Natalie’s case wasn’t so cut and dried. Her word against his. No physical evidence from five years ago. Her anxiety, waiting and building deep into the night, must have been off the charts.
PM: “I WAS WAITING IN THE COURTROOM …. NONE OF THE JURORS WOULD LOOK UP …. YOU COULD TELL THE ONES THAT FOUGHT FOR ME BECAUSE THEY LOOKED AS ROUGH AS I DID …. I WAS HYPER-VENTILATING AND I COULDN’T BREATHE …. THE VERDICT: NOT GUILTY ON BOTH COUNTS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT ….”
I won’t ask you to imagine how Natalie felt now. You can’t. Re-living it in full detail in public, speaking about it for the first time, opening up to teachers at school, taking the risk of telling your dad his best friend raped you, wondering how your father and mother would see you now, reporting a five-year-old rape to police with no current evidence, being “that girl” at school. You went through all that. You put your faith in Truth and Justice. You found your courage and did what was right. Then, the outcome is ”not guilty”.
PM: “EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T THE OUTCOME WE WANTED, I STILL CAME FORWARD AND SAID THINGS THAT NEEDED TO BE SAID …. IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU AND YOUR STORY, I WOULD NEVER HAVE COME FORWARD AND I’D STILL BE FIGHTING THIS INTERNALLY …. YOUI ARE MAKING A BIG DIFFERENCE AND A BIG IMPACT ON PEOPLE …. PLEASE DON’T EVER STOP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING …. YOU’VE CHANGED MY LIFE IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE.”
A few afterthoughts:
First, if Natalie and Jess were one in a million, I wouldn’t be doing this. L>h wouldn’t be necessary. But Natalie and Jess aren’t one in a million. They are one out of three. One out of three girls in our country experience some form of sexual assault in their lifetimes. One out of four experience domestic violence. One of six boys …. sexual assault. One of seven boys …. domestic violence. It’s everywhere. Aren’t we better than that? Isn’t it time?
Second, the accused in this case attempted suicide. I don’t wish that on anyone, not even Dan, Jessie’s killer. I wish only genuine transformation and healing for him and all offenders. Otherwise, nothing changes, and they will reoffend if given the opportunity. But the fact that he attempted suicide says something to me. It says that having to sit through his own public trial and face a verdict was a life event for him. We can’t know this or claim this, but maybe this life event, this having to face charges publicly and listen to his victim share her story in front of his family and friends, maybe this will be a catalyst for him to change. The accused had been accused by others before Natalie, but never charged. But Natalie found her voice, shared her story, and charged him. I’ve got to think that if 100 offenders who had never been reported were finally charged, and they had to sit through their own public trial, at least some of them would be motivated to change their ways.
And finally, the other side of the story: let’s acknowledge again that falsely accusing an innocent person to destroy them is its own kind of evil, and it hurts the movement to believe victims, transform culture, and end violence against women. It hurts already traumatized young people like Natalie, discourages them from reporting, and thus finding their healing, power, and freedom.
True stories of overcoming trauma are powerful. They give courage and insights to the rest of us who are struggling with our own troubles. From Jessie and victims/survivors everywhere, thank you Natalie for being brave, sharing your deepest nightmare, and shining more light on this darkness.
If Natalie has moved you to find your courage and share your story, for the benefit of others, or just to tell Darkness it has lost its power over you, message us.
Sincerely,
Buck Blodgett, Executive Director
