Yesterday in prison:
Week One of “The Forgiveness Class” in six of our state prisons. At the first one, there’s nineteen guys in a circle. We pull out the “How Do I Feel Today?” handout. The guys fidget in their chairs; guys often aren’t comfortable talking about how we feel. I’ve laid the foundation, now we go around the group for the first time and begin our ‘sharing format’.
Me: “OK, let’s go left to right. Tell us your name, and one or two words to describe how you’re feeling right now. Speak up so we all can hear you. Your name matters. Your words matter. You matter.” The guys are all looking at me like a deer in headlights, like no one’s ever told them their name matters, and they matter, and then asked them to share how they’re feeling right now.
We get two thirds of the way around the circle, to Logan (fake name, real person). Logan’s on the edge of his seat, eyes bright, energy up, like he’s got too much energy to relax and sit.Logan: “I’m Logan, and I’m excited, and anxious, because I see that this class can change my life, I mean, I know I can learn in here, learn stuff to turn me around. But I’m afraid I’m going to blow it … again.”
Later on in Lesson #1: We have begun the process of talking about the anger, the bitterness, and the resentments that live inside us, seeing them, identifying them, facing them, dealing with them in a healthy way instead of ignoring, denying, or suppressing them so they keep living inside us, hurting us, and other people.
Me: “What are some ways people avoid their pain and anger? What are some things we’ve done to run from the pain or cover up the anger?” We go around the group again and get to Logan.
Logan: “Drugs.” Long pause while everyone looks at Logan. “Meth.” Everyone’s listening intently to him. “And self-harm.”
Me: “Yes. Classic way we avoid pain and anger, with drugs, good Logan.” Five other hands shoot up, Logan has freed us up to start to be real, and listen to each other, and actually care. But I’m still looking at him; it looks like he has more he wants to say.
Me: “What?”
Logan rolls up both sleeves. There are scars everywhere, from wrists to elbows.
Logan: “I can’t change these, the damage is done. But there’s scars on my heart too, and they’re worse than these, and they’ve made me hurt other people I loved, but I know I can heal those ones, so I’m excited, but I’m afraid I’m going to blow it again, so I’m nervous.”
Me: “Anyone else have scars on your heart?” All hands up. “Anyone else see hope now, but you’re nervous, afraid to fail?” All hands up again.
Logan: “I’m out the week after this class ends. I’m gonna work really hard here all summer to learn and grow all I can so I’m ready.”
Me: “You just made my drive up here today worth it Logan.”
Me to the group: “How long can the cycle of abuse and trauma go on?” (We’ve been over this.)
Most of the group: “For generations.”
Me: “And what stops it?”
Everyone: “Forgiveness.”
Me: “And who is sometimes the hardest person to forgive?”
Most guys: “Myself.”
Me: “You ready Logan?”
Him: “Yes.”
Supervisor, watching him leave, to me: “He’s got some big behavioral issues. I hope he can do this.”
We’ll see. It will be up to Logan. We will give him a roadmap, tools, resources, support. It won’t be easy, it will be hard and painful sometimes. Not everyone overcomes. But enough do. Let’s pray Logan is one of them.
